I keep on Fallin’...down the list - My needs, My self care.

How did that headline land in your body?  Did I read your mind?  Your needs are constantly being pushed down the list, or as my friend put it , “I’m not even on the list!!” And that’s because there are groceries to buy and meals to plan, the laundry to do (washing, folding and putting away), the dripping tap that needs to be fixed, the old clothes that need to be dropped off at the charity shop, and on and on it goes. All the things that are required to keep your household running.

Crossing things off your list can feel soooo satisfying. And these are things that you can control. They’re tangible - a part of your external environment. 

Taking care of your needs on the other hand  - well, this is all about your internal environment, where so much of it can feel out of your control. And feel unsafe because you’re out of your comfort zone. But unless you learn how to feel safe within yourself, how can you hold that feeling of safety in others?

Self Care or Self Indulgence?

The term self care was coined by activist and poet, Audre Lorde. The following quote is taken from her 1988 book of essays, A Burst of Light:

“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”

There’s a chance that the messages you receive about self care don’t carry the same weight and meaning as the above quote. Rather, they portray self care as self indulgence. Gwenyth Paltrow’s £60 Jade Egg anyone? (Pelvic floors are super important and are definitely an act of self care). 

As Tom and Donna from Parks and Rec say:

Or maybe you grew up in a household where self care was never demonstrated. I can certainly relate to that. My parents never practiced self care. They were immigrants and their primary concerns were to keep a roof over our heads, keep our bellies full and get my brothers and I through education. For them, life was about survival - they left China after the Cultural Revolution and internalised the trauma and feelings of being unsafe.

And then there’s the pandemic

It’s impossible to minimise the impact that Covid has had on our day to day lives and mental health. 

With all of the pain and suffering that is happening in the world right now, spending time in your own company and taking care of yourself could be deemed as self indulgent. But the reality is, looking after yourself has a ripple effect. It creates a shift in your inner state which has a positive impact on your family, friends, community and beyond. 

Feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, depression, fear - they’re omnipresent. And you’re likely holding it all together.  So with this in mind, let’s reframe self care as self preservation. As refilling your own cup so that you can give sustenance to others. 

An interesting article in the Guardian about the evolution of self care.